You Are Doing it Wrong

I recently experienced somewhat of a television anomaly. During the sponsored interlude of some now unknown show, I bore witness to a concept of breathtaking and ridiculous stupidity. At first, I thought this was a brilliant advertisement for a sketch comedy show. I reveled in the comedic genius shown in writing and execution. I sat anticipating a rich baritone of the disembodied announcer to inform me of when and where to watch. What was this new show? A wave of horror and confusion washed over me as a startling fact was now apparent:

THIS IS NOT A JOKE. THIS IS REAL.

Welcome to the wide, wonderful world of competitive sport stacking. This easily one of most bizarrely asinine undertakings mankind has ever attempted. On the unexamined surface, sport stacking may perhaps seem overly banal to you. Well... allow me, if you would, to over-analyze this little malformation as a child with ADHD picks apart a scab.

First, I am left to wonder how such an idea gained enough funding to manufacture the toy products and start the visual abortion (thanks Evan) that is the Speed Stacks commercial advertisement campaign. Here is a possible transcript of the Speed Stacks concept pitch to who could only be described as the world's most intensely moronic venture capitalist:

ss: So, here is my concept... THINK: CUPS.
vc: Hmm. I like cups. I drink from them. Sometimes liquid is hot and I burn tongue.
ss: No, not for drinking, but for STACKING!
vc: LOLz. That's brilliant. Please take my shoes filled with 20s as bonus. Just sign my hat and it's a deal!
*ss pumps fists filled with 20 dollar bills, knocks cups everywhere.
ss: LOL, I hate children.

Be mindful, this is a loose and possibly censored artistic representation of what exactly must have gone on behind closed doors. I admittedly lack the vision to understand such idiocy and the honed writing skill required to describe it.

In what bizarre context could this game have gained popularity? ...
NEXT POST: Competitive Sport Stacking Part II - Fun Cups Edition