Monday, December 25, 2006

Godfather of Soul James Brown Dies


This Christmas the entire world will mourn the passing of a music/cultural icon, the Godfather of Soul James Brown. He was the hardest working man in showbiz and the ultimate hard-partying performer.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Average Homeboy is Average

There are several of these monstrosities, however, this particular video is noted as the first. This accreditation is certainly correlative to the 'viral' video metaphor. Sickness.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Pauly Shore: That's Your Face

So Pauly Shore, apparently, possesses such an incredible degree of unpopularity, he must follow an intense, rigorous process to achieve the headlines associated with a temporary fame he once enjoyed (Thank you BIODOME). This process is divergent from paths chosen by other comedians as neither humor or racism are involved. Pauly Shore's method involves the act of paying someone to punch you in the face on stage, while the audience revels in your misrepresented misfortune. Pauly, baby, I would have done it for free.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Soy: One Healthy Devil


In today's world climate, there is virtually no limit to the torrent of verbal diarrhea espoused by radicals and extremists. There is no apparent saturation point at which the people of the world will finally close their ears and refuse to listen or accept any further nonsense. My position (and desire) is to mock these goons with their own words. Please join me...

Published in the WorldNetDaily, this "article", by James Rutz of MegaShift Ministries, reads:
"There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. ...

"The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore. ...

"Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them."

There you have it... Soy is gay. Thanks for the info.
P.S. image is Jerry Falwell in his new morning TV show debut.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Alien Mutants Invade Planet

Flesh-eating, mutants from outer space have invaded the planet Earth. Drawing from a deep well of sheer auditory assault, GWAR has come to destroy all humans. The group has proclaimed nothing will be left in their wake. Photos are inadequate at best to describe their horror. Your hopes of life and escape lay barron.
--massder from the sidekick3

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Don't Hassle Hasselhoff


David Hasselhoff, undisputed entertainment legend, just refuses to fall short of the mark. Hasselhoff delivers in this, the greatest music video/work ever composed. Robbie Williams your powers are meaningless next to the awesome might Hoff wields with grace and ease. Bonus points for including KITT in this misadventure.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Taco Bell is Illin'

CNN.com has the intense investigative insight to cover a story of shocking and far reaching implications. Taco Bell is making customers ill. Interest and concern peaked, I would like to contribute this additional information: Taco Bell has been making customers sick for about 30 years on a ratio approaching 1:1. This estimate could be considered somewhat generous as certain advertising campaigns have literally made 10s of millions feel like vomiting without ever setting foot in a 'restuarant' location. Remember Little Richard?

I thought that sickness was part of the Taco Bell allure, a side or condiment each dish is slathered in along with chemically generated hot sauce. Ingesting such a dangerous combination of fast food ingredients (cheap beans, greasy questionable meats, etc.) draws certain parallels to a type of gambler's rush.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Legal Mustache


In a lifetime, there are perhaps a limited number of "dare to be great" situations. This individual has taken fate into his own hands and dared to be ridiculous. Whether for reasons of insanity or mockery, the end result is the same pure, undiluted hilarity.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Zach Morris: Phone of Might

martin cooper holds world hostage with giant novelty phoneIf you happen to possess the causal honorific of a "twenty-something", you may remember the sheer magnificence and glory that was Saved by the Bell. A daring prankster, a suave schemer, Zach Morris had his finger not only on the pulse of cool, but on the touch tone pad of one of the world's largest mobile cellular devices. Martin Cooper had nothing on Morris.

Retro is hip and the Zach Morris phone mod is metaphorical rocket fuel liberally applied to an otherwise lackluster hipster blaze. But, the geniuses over at Spark Fun Electronics have decimated any possible construed Zach-Morris-cool-factor with the introduction of their FRANKENMORRIS: Phone of might. A GSM-ready, rotary-operated cellphone? This phone technology is the ultimate ironic accessory. No other device so precisely conveys you
  1. are not balanced and love it
  2. have tons of cash to blow

Sunday, December 03, 2006

K-Rad Rubebox

Robbie Williams describes his exhaustive research into the mysteries of the "Rudebox". There seems to be a scientific correlation between white, British rappers, cheesy glow effects, and Rudebox activity. I await his whitepaper release in the scientific trades / journals early 2007. Truly mind boggling work.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Cannot be Displayed, Because it Contains Errors

Something is wrong here pa!?There is little doubt that Wikipedia is one of the single greatest information resources available on the entire internet. With more information than The Encyclopedia Britannica (and interestingly enough just as accurate), Wikipedia is a community-driven project of the highest caliber. I, sadly, have only made minor contributions to the resource, but others make the project's content growth a personal quest for excellence. Some people just post images of their genitalia in honestly ridiculous quantity (link is just a list of contributions and is sfw). I suppose the pictures for the encyclopedia must come from somewhere, but that is literally the only type of contribution Richiex makes. I find this insanely hilarious. For extra fun times, check out the "Talk" pages associated with some of these topics.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Poodles, Exercise, and Shame


Once again, the Interweb fails to disappoint in the deliverance of pure madness.

No More Answers


My briefcase is brimming with potential solutions.

The Google Answers project has stopped accepting new questions. No longer can individuals pay honest, hard earned cash to answer inane questions that a simple Google search would resolve for free. Understandably, many find research and reading as a basis for the acquisition of knowledge tiring, but to those I would suggest removing themselves from the computer/Internet and otherwise engaging themselves in some sort of crude ditch digging capacity. Google answers did exhibit some penchant for the accurate response to ridiculous questions. From the official Google blog, "Google Answers taught us exactly how many tyrannosaurs are in a gallon of gasoline, why flies survive a good microwaving, and why you really shouldn't drink water emitted by your air conditioner."

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Security buzz: Bomb-sniffing bees


  • Scientists train honeybees to sniff out explosives from dynamite to C4
  • Researchers say bees could spot car bombs, IEDs, suicide bombers' belts
  • When a bee finds explosives, it sticks out proboscis, the tube it uses to sip nectar
  • Similar research done with wasps in past, but scientists say bees do better

...from CNN.com
There is perhaps an infinitely simpler solution that these creative scientists may have overlooked in their wild (kingdom) mental wanderings. May I once again present ... the beedog. These unscrupulously scientists have not mapped the secret language of the bee and used said knowledge to expertly train bees in legion to carry out secure whim and fancy. These masterminds have dressed bomb-sniffing canine units in bee costumes, thereby securing large allocations of government funds. Dear Government, I am developing cutting-edge beedog technology in a miniature deliver system (pugs and chins mostly, see image). I am patiently awaiting my grant money.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Insert Jazzy Product Name Here


Technology is amazing. Innovations wait around every corner. However, scams lurk in every alley. Sensationalism takes a hold of the masses before any attempt at validation has been made. Many individuals learned their lesson after eagerly and greedily come to the aid of a Nigerian prince in 2003 (and 2004, 2005, etc.). The international news media has yet to be so lucky. Arab News was fortunate enough to become the brunt of this scoop opportunity. After spreading around the Internet, ravaging reputations faster than the flu in a child daycare center, independent news sources, such as blogs, were kind enough to shred this nonsense to ribbons.
Great Quote: Rainbow Card Readers will replace CD drives of mobile phone and computer notebooks and will enable more data in portable forms for mini digital readers.
How can any technology hope to become more portable than a CD-ROM enabled mobile phone? Mind-boggling.
As of this moment, my new strategy for success is as follows:
Step 1. Pretend to be Indian/from the developing world.
Step 2. Create/Publish information regarding fabulous, yet strictly fictitious technological breakthrough.
Step 3. ?????
Step 4. PROFIT!
After obtaining completing my doctoral thesis on theoretical data storage techniques, I have developed a framework methodology for storage of bit information utilizing the rhythmic and behavioral patterns of common grasshoppers and crickets. This project has been codenamed the HOPdrive. Although paradigm implementation involving Euscyrtus concinnus or cricket is a low-cost solution, the Oxya hyla intricata or grasshopper implementation naturally yields larger data storage. For complete investment information and technical white-papers, please contact my associate the Nigerian Prince with your credentials (credit cards, checking account, etc.).

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Thanksgiving for Black Fridays

According to Wikipedia Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving in the United States, is historically one of the busiest retail shopping days of the year. Many consider it the "official" beginning to the holiday season. According to me Black Friday is historically the day America starts buying/hording "the good stuff." I went to Wal-Mart. Did you do your share?

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Fun-eral for a Friend

Sadly, the phallic marvel that is the AquaPets Dora the Explorer has been removed from mighty Amazon. Suffering a fatal influx of mockery and assault, even the best of intentions could not gain escape velocity from the ensuing shame spiral. The true believer, the devotee, can still purchase SpongeBob and several friends in 'aquatic' form.
Seems you were just marked, then as the autumnal foliage, you were transfigured and disappeared. Marked for Deletion strikes again.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Action Hero


Sigmund Freud Action Figure w/ Distinctly Phallic Cigar

So hilarious and so available at amazon.com. Maybe Dr. Freud cannot beat the sheer excellence of Dora, but this toy is still a true winner. Here is what one reviewer commented:
"This toy is lots of fun. I like to play with it using my old GIJOE toys. My favorite scenario is to have Sigmund Freud kill off Cobra Commander, and then take his place as leader of Cobra: The Enemy. With his cigar, he works really well as an evil villain. (Plus, he likes to torture the good guys that they capture by tying them up and putting his cigar out on their bare chest.)"

"It is lots of fun to play with. The final battle usually takes place on the rug at the foot of my bed (which substitutes for a jungle), where Snake-Eyes challenges Sigmund Freud to a duel in order to avenge the death of Duke and all the other Joes. (Snake-Eyes is always the only surviving Joe left.) Sigmund Freud then tries some ninja moves to kick Snake-Eyes' rear, but Snake Eyes beats the crap out of him. It finally ends with Snake Eyes using his sword to gut Sigmund Freud, as his sword slowly slides out of his bloody entrails. It really is a lot of fun!"

"Sometimes I do a Transformer Crossover Universe, where Megatron comes in and has Sigmund Freud join him in some plot to obtain energy in order to build the ultimate weapon and take control the universe. The Joes always have to go get help from Optimus Prime, who always puts a stop to this plot just at the last minute, but not before his arm gets chopped off in battle. (I am actually missing Optimus' arm in real life, so that's why this always happens in the story.)"

"Anyways, Sigmund Freud is great fun for the whole family! Especially 10-year-olds (and above). Buy it today!"

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Dora, Explorer Indeed

Epic FailThis product holds the high distinction of being a momentous, epic blunder. Did no one involved in the lengthy and complex product development process stumble on the realization they were, in fact, creating the world's funniest adult toy??? This is real. Laugh hard.

Friday, November 17, 2006

$100 for an Xbox 360

So apparently, Amazon.com will be offering 1000 Microsoft XBox 360 "Core Systems" for only $100. Yes, for one hundred dollars, you could be the proud owner of a XBox 360 (not an old model, but a new shinier, glowing 360). The Internet is ablaze with rumors regarding this event, which is to occur on Thursday of next week (23rd of November).
This fantastic deal, resulting in a 66% price reduction, leaves me asking myself only one question. Would I buy an XBox, even at this dramatic "savings"? The answer is no. I would, given the chance, flip a profit on one, but buying one to actually play is an investment in futility. Just a heads up... wasted youth is on sale and at considerable markdown.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Dont Cry Emo Kid, Dont Cry.

Apparently quality of British journalism is greater to such a degree that newspapers and media outlets are able to group teenagers into stereotypical blocks at a magnitude to which American journals have not yet considered, even in the most stodgy and ill-informed of their dreams. This across-the-pond article from the Daily Mail entitled "EMO cult warning for parents" is so utterly ridiculous, I was left theorizing possible facetious authoring. Serious media. Serious entertainment.

Silly quotes:
1.The Emos - short for Emotional - regard themselves as a cool, young sub-set of the Goths. Preposterous. Although both groups are pitiable, lumping them together seems odd.
2.The Instant Emo Kit site gives advice on identity. Wear a child's T-shirt with a slogan such as 'Unhappy Chick' and drive a Vespa. Above all, 'show your inner despair by looking like you are too sad to eat. Obesity and emocity do not mix.' Hahaha. This quote wins so many internets... Impossibly dense. Bonus points for the word 'emocity.'
3.It even nods to a working population, permitting Corporate Goths, who wear black trouser suits. Corporate Goths win every meeting with vampirical persuasion.

Honorable Mentions:
The phrase 'Elder Goth' was used repeatedly. This fact made me consider that perhaps the author was also once drenched in black and hating life.

What set you claimin'? LEGO!


Little girl flashes knife as she tries to steal toys

Largo, Florida - Largo Police are looking for a little girl who pulled a knife on a Wal-Mart clerk as she tried to steal two boxes of Lego toy blocks.
It happened on the Missouri Avenue around 9:00 pm Tuesday night.
Police say the 7 to 8-year-old girl hid the toys under her coat and tried to walk out the door.
A store employee was watching and approached the child, asking her to turn over the Lego blocks.
Police say the little girl then opened her jacket and displayed a combo carving knife with a forked point and a 10" blade, saying she was armed for protection.
The employee talked the girl into putting down the knife and the toys.
The girl then rode away on her bicycle.
The employee was not hurt.


Only in Flordia, the penis of The United States, does this situation have a viable chance of occurance. By the contents of the article, I assume she made a clean getaway. Society is doomed.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Air of (Dis)Illusion

This precious little invention has me torn. I face two distinct roads and only one may be traveled. I, unlike Mr. Frost, will, in all probability, eventually choose the road most traveled and stare with gaping mouth at the bizarrely wonderful misapplication of scientific exploration/technology that is the wearable instrument shirt (WIS). Shortly thereafter, my chosen road bears a rapid descent to a low elevation where I (heaven forbid) proceed to mock everything from the product to the wearer. This milestone being our current location in this post, please allow me to make an ass out of myself.

Dr Richard Helmer, the creator of WIS: "Our air guitar consists of a wearable sensor interface embedded in a conventional 'shirt' which uses custom software to map gestures with audio samples. [...] It’s an easy-to-use, virtual instrument that allows real-time music making – even by players without significant musical or computing skills. [...] The technology – which is adaptable to almost any kind of apparel – takes clothing beyond its traditional role of protection and fashion into the realms of entertainment."

Your normal t-shirt is made of obsolescence and fail. Mine makes musics and win. I have some dark, foreboding sense that, quite literally at any moment, Apple will "borrow" this technology, "think different", and install iTunes on a more monochrome (perhaps red for AIDS/Bono), sleeker version. Microsoft will consecutively borrow the technology, attempt developing a similar Media Player "enhanced" shirt, and as a result produce a puffy winter jacket with holes in the pockets (not to mention the questionable length of the left sleeve). Creative will also produce a music enabled shirt. The shirt will look like a soiled Hanes mens A-cut "wife-beater" and every recipient child will cry all Christmas morning.

I digress. Let me now shift misanthropic focus to the star attraction of this freakish sideshow. There are many individuals who, in all honesty, are guilty of past "air guitar" transgressions. Many of these folks experienced an acute, temporary lack of sensible judgment brought on by alcohol and perhaps too much jukebox Guns n' Roses. Others are habitual offenders and feel their greatness is best conveyed through the art of air guitar. From the Air Guitar World Championships website:
What Air Guitar is all about, is to surrender to the music without having an actual instrument. Anyone can taste rock stardom by playing the Air Guitar. No equipment is needed, and there is no requirement for any specific place or special skills. In Air Guitar playing all people are equal regardless of race, gender, age, social status or sexual orientation.

No requirements??? You/I have the makings of a true air guitar STAR! Bonus points awarded for theoretical "whammy bar" pantomime.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Sunday Selection


The world, being a large and diverse place, is capable of presenting strange beauty from unexpected sources. Spam emails are a plague. Each email account becomes sluggishly weighted by the toxic disease of V1@gra prescription offers, "quality" stock tips, and of course the occasional plea from a Nigerian prince. As inundated with spam our accounts are, we simply remove or filter the ceaseless messages and, in doing so, might be missing something oddly fascinating. Some spammers fill their hockery with random bits of news and literature concatenated together in the hope of circumventing filters. I find this marvelous content very alluring when examined from a literary perspective. With only a minimum of additional ramblings, I present to you the first installment of Spam Poetry (Spoetry)...

Overlook red flags put off letting see. example boss around doesn't While rude hateful cases different need good judgment help. mix'em up haze therefore traits has. Faults lure record sort rarely lasts cannot hurting blinded Its like women stay abuse These beating death. dog tells bf cheating believe. Also wrong. much past locks their actions etc. hormones raging thinking gone six months comes from heart permeates through beyond physical basically true horrific injuries maladies flaws persons being. truly then aesthetic beauty though probably view most beautiful ever.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Its CATURDAY!

The immense informative power of which the Internet is capable can be difficult to grasp. When this titanic force is harnessed, focused to a central directive, true modern miracles result. Fortunes are made. People are connected. Knowledge flows. Beedogs run wild.

Wait, what was that? BEEDOGS!?


Yes, Beedogs. The site is a gem. The author understands the overwhelming complexities of the Internet appetite. Every whim must be satisfied; every desire fulfilled. I desire a rich collection of varied types/breeds of dogs in an assortment of humorous bee costumes? THIS SITE DELIVERS.


Also for your consideration:

Friday, November 10, 2006

Interlude

The Power of Christ Compels You!
The Power of Christ Compels You!
The Power of Christ Compels You!

Raptor Jesus
This a small taste of what the Internet does best. Presenting you with the ridiculous.

Massive Failure

What is the "Worst Band in the World"? According to the great information monolith Google, the worst band in the world is Creed. This type of free-wheeling, yet intelligent game of word association is known as a "Google Bomb." Check out the Wikipedia entry or simply type the title of this article into Google for more specific details. This cognitive "shot-calling" by a search engine amazes and intrigues me. Most music listening, album purchasing individuals were not able to make this correct conclusion when introduced to the wave of putrid bile that is Creed's auditory malfunctioning. Apparently, the band had four (yes, 4) number one hits off of their first album. This mass-hypnosis equates to one of the greatest shams in music entertainment ever, right next to The Spice Girls or Dave Matthews. People, your choices are disasters. Please, for the sake of your future illegitimate children, MAKE BETTER CHOICES.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Autocratically /Vote/arded

Look at humor with Borat and his movie film
Today was the heavily anticipated mid-term elections. Yes, your kind author voted. I hold my sticker credible, physical proof. A chilling wave of reality always hits as I receive that "I voted" sticker... My opinion is worth a sticker; the very same reward given to a 1st grader for a job well done. Truly an equitable exchange and the driving force in my turnout.
Perhaps, I am being too harshly cynical here, but Virginia politics leave a great deal to be desired. These desires take the form of viable, honest, and intelligent candidates whose apparent location resides just beyond a pipe made dreams.

***UPDATE: James "Jimmy" Webb has won the race for Virginia Senate. Now he can quit he day job as body double for Rainn Wilson aka Dwight Schrute of NBC's The Office fame...

Jim Webb IS Dwight Schrute

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Soundtrack to the Apocolypse




I told myself that I wouldn't fill my blog with inane YouTube videos like every other schmuck. I have made myself a liar. This is a patriotic display of why America is great. Any other county would suppress such raw 'talent.' Later tonight, I will go watch Borat to understand more about American greatness.

:(

Friday, November 03, 2006

You Are Doing it Wrong

I recently experienced somewhat of a television anomaly. During the sponsored interlude of some now unknown show, I bore witness to a concept of breathtaking and ridiculous stupidity. At first, I thought this was a brilliant advertisement for a sketch comedy show. I reveled in the comedic genius shown in writing and execution. I sat anticipating a rich baritone of the disembodied announcer to inform me of when and where to watch. What was this new show? A wave of horror and confusion washed over me as a startling fact was now apparent:
THIS IS NOT A JOKE. THIS IS REAL.

Welcome to the wide, wonderful world of competitive sport stacking. This easily one of most bizarrely asinine undertakings mankind has ever attempted. On the unexamined surface, sport stacking may perhaps seem overly banal to you. Well... allow me, if you would, to over-analyze this little malformation as a child with ADHD picks apart a scab.

First, I am left to wonder how such an idea gained enough funding to manufacture the toy products and start the visual abortion (thanks Evan) that is the Speed Stacks commercial advertisement campaign. Here is a possible transcript of the Speed Stacks concept pitch to who could only be described as the world's most intensely moronic venture capitalist:

ss: So, here is my concept... THINK: CUPS.
vc: Hmm. I like cups. I drink from them. Sometimes liquid is hot and I burn tongue.
ss: No, not for drinking, but for STACKING!
vc: LOLz. That's brilliant. Please take my shoes filled with 20s as bonus. Just sign my hat and it's a deal!
*ss pumps fists filled with 20 dollar bills, knocks cups everywhere.
ss: LOL, I hate children.

Be mindful, this is a loose and possibly censored artistic representation of what exactly must have gone on behind closed doors. I admittedly lack the vision to understand such idiocy and the honed writing skill required to describe it.

In what bizarre context could this game have gained popularity? ...
NEXT POST: Competitive Sport Stacking Part II - Fun Cups Edition

Fashion Victims

There is rarely an occurrence where a Google image search and random "ass-hattery" resultants do not coincide. This natural flow seems to be inherent to the process, as if foolish, unwanted returns were the point in some sick, yet hilarious Internet game. I applaud such "features", as they present such gifts as the image inspiring this very post.

Now in reference to said image... WTF. Could someone explain to me in meaningful and prosaic terms what exactly is supposed to be going on here? Is this just some attempt at a cynical, consumerist tie between fashion and fast food? I am not quite sure if the creator was trying to make an insightful, witty social comment or if the creator is just some insane bastard foisting moronic garbage into an already burgeoning market. I see either choice of direction, both high and low roads, as epic failures and con-jobs.

LOL @ Society is choking with overconsumption. You have not achieved greatness. You have acheived in creating something foolish for me and my B.F.F. The Internet to mock and gawk for a moment. You are fail. You are marked for deletion.

Relevant to Your Interests


Thank you for the floods of interest already shown. Many of you 'Deleters' have written in to ask, "What is the purpose or theme of Marked for Deletion?"

Well... Let me be honest here. There is no purpose, but there is a theme. A central tendency which, although abhorrent, strings my little nuggets together like pearls. I seek to oust the ridiculous failures, the shining beacons of idiocy normal society might otherwise somehow miss. This mockery is to be construed as a bitter form of humor, a palatable delight to fellow cynics as high grade, cocoa-rich chocolate morsels to a fat woman.

My blog, my mistake


MARKED FOR DELETION = BLOG OF THE FUTURE = THERE IS NO FUTURE
(CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL)



I have created this blog/monster as a possible outlet for my thoughts/terror. There will be images, mockery, and disaster. All that being said, there will be nothing of value due to two main reasons:
  • All contributions to society are a sham.
  • No one has anything of value to say.
After these assumptions are made, only bitter madness and references to the vile remain. For those who enjoy such ilk, I present to you Marked for Deletion (blog of the future).